It’s February, and that means that love is in the air! Or, at least, it’s supposed to be. I don’t know if it’s the sub-zero temperatures or the overwhelming amount of homework, but it really feels like all joy has been stripped out of everyone this month. Everyone I know is dreading going to class.
I almost feel like there’s a mystery afoot regarding all this doom and gloom. I understand that it’s winter and everything is dimmer… and colder and void of all life, but our energy particularly around love is very exhausted. People just seem so over relationships and romantic connections, especially in the cultural zeitgeist.
On October 29, Vogue published an article by Chanté Joseph titled “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” The gist of the article, which I will cite below, claims that women are afraid to highlight their boyfriends on the internet because others find it unsavory on an Instagram page. Food for thought.
But, more importantly, this article introduced a new term to me that I hadn’t heard before: heterofatalism, defined as “the outlook of straight women frustrated with the dating behavior of men” (New York Times). Not only have I had colleagues with this outlook on dating, but even I myself am a culprit of feeling the same way during certain phases of my life. It’s so easy to just throw in the towel after one too many bad experiences. Which got me thinking: Are there certain campus factors at play here that inhibit relationships? How do people with relationships on campus find their own balance?
So naturally, as one does, I sent out a form to the student body in order to answer a couple of my lingering questions about love on campus. The results were quite riveting.
[Important note to add: While the term heterofatalism is generally used to describe heterosexual women, I left this form open to all genders and sexualities, because I wanted all perspectives on this issue.]
When asked if they believe in love, 75% of participants said yes, with 25% going so far as to call themselves “hopeless romantics”. However, of these participants, only ¼ of them considered themselves actually on the love market. It seems that the people who believe in love have already experienced it themselves or are actively in love. So what about those who are currently seeking love on campus? What is their experience like?
The first quote I received: “Bad.” Uh oh. This wasn’t too promising. And then more answers poured in:
“Not good; Boys are still immature and are clearly not looking for anything serious… I expected more, but I should've expected less.” And unfortunately, even more rolled in. “So bad,” another person added. “ Where are all the lesbians?” One student said, downcast, “I believe in other kinds of love because I’m full of them, but I’m starting to lose faith in finding a romantic love.”
In order to have a wide dating pool, someone brought up online dating, which I thought was clever. They mentioned, “I’ve mostly used dating apps to try and find a partner both on and off campus, and it hasn’t been easy… You’re constantly second-guessing yourself [and] wondering about the other person’s intentions…” So it seems that this isn’t just an exclusive problem for our campus specifically, but perhaps a broader issue with dating in Connecticut!
Many people are frustrated with their dating situations (or lack thereof). But not all people had bad experiences with dating on campus. A success story reached my inbox, explaining that, “...at first, [it was] kind of demoralizing with how many situationships ended up happening, but eventually I did find a partner that I’m incredibly happy with.”
In another light, many other people in relationships chimed in with words of wisdom or other anecdotes on their love lives.
One participant discussed how valuable it is for their relationship to have success outside of itself. “If you’re dating in college, both people [should] care about what they do outside the relationship. Being able to love and be successful together is a wonderful thing.”
Another participant added on account of proximity, “It has been great; We can see each other as much as we want to, as well as do little things together since we live so close.” Many would consider this a rare windfall that most relationships never get to see outside of moving in together. It’s especially a gift, given how so many other relationships nowadays are long-distance.
Speaking of which, this person had a lot to say about their long-distance relationship. “Distance has been difficult. My love has never wavered, but it gets emotionally draining at times… Even after 3 years, I'd love to say that the distance gets any kind of easier, but it just doesn't. But we foster a healthy relationship by effectively communicating.” I’ll have to be honest; A lot of these responses are very mature for college students, and the true reflection in them really surprised me. I acknowledge that it’s easy for me to say this as someone who found a relationship on campus, but I honestly think there is hope for those on campus seeking a partner. There are good people out there!
And for those who may want an upper hand, below is a list of recurring traits that single participants on campus are actively looking for:
As you can see, these are all qualities that every human being is capable of. To me, it’s just a question of whether someone chooses to do that internal work or not. Those who truly take the time to reflect on themselves can potentially find love from others and within themselves. But only if they do that internal work first!
To wrap up the form, I asked if any participants had any last thoughts they wanted readers to hear. So I wrapped up my favorites for a lightning round:
“I’m scared of women. It’s not a joke.” We’re not that scary, I promise! Hope you find what you’re looking for.
“If I was a woodcutter, I’d cut; If I was a fire, I'd burn. But I’m a heart, and I love!” Didn’t know we had slam poets at UHart! I’m going to steal this line, hope that’s okay.
“Modern dating has somehow turned communication into the hardest part, which feels ironic considering [that] we’re all glued to our phones.” I’m putting this as the sole reason why dating feels so isolating nowadays. While some can view it as a “cop-out” to just blame everything on phones and move on, I think it would be ignorant not to consider how important modern technology is within the dating pool. Many young people complain daily about how much life a phone sucks out of a person, and yet we stay on them for hours at a time. Don’t even get me started on AI or ChatGPT either. A discussion for another day, I suppose.
“Love is something that is human and can be shared by all. Sometimes the love we need isn’t in a partner, but in the friends we make.” I chose this as the last quote for the article because it’s such a great outlook to have. My experiences being a single woman have been just as rich as the experiences I’ve had being in a relationship because my friends and family nourish me. Each love is different, and important to fulfill different parts of you. And, might I add, each type of love is experienced differently by each person.
So, if there was any “parting wisdom” I could give to you, reader, from a 19-year-old college student just starting life, it would be this: Try to explore every type of love you can on this planet. Find which ones resonate with you, and which ones don’t fulfill you. Explore the friendly love of letting someone go before you in line at the cash register, or the deep connection of laughing with your friends in your dorm until your stomach hurts. There are so many connections out there; Go and spread your love.
Citations:
Joseph, C. (2025, October 29). Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? Vogue. https://www.vogue.com/article/is-having-a-boyfriend-embarrassing-now
Ocran, N. (2025, July 28). Heterofatalism: the politics of waiting and wanting. Substack.com; A Crumb of Romance. https://nicoleocran.substack.com/p/heterofatalism-dating-relationships